|
Lorenzo von Matterhorn
From Lorenzopedia, the free encyclopedia
|
Lorenzo Von Matterhorn was born somewhere in Switzerland in the spring of 1974.
The exact date and circumstances of his birth are unknown since he was immediately placed in a basket and tossed
in a river. Young Lorenzo rode the pristine Alpine glacial melt waters for hundreds of miles before
a young Milanese woman discovered the basket along the banks
of the
river Po. Some say it was this first early journey to Milan
that fueled his love for both exploration and fashion. The
woman would raise Lorenzo as her own, naming him Lorenzo after her father and giving him the
surname Von Matterhorn to reflect his Swiss heritage as well as his uncommonly
large penis.
Early Life
Shortly after his family moved to New York City
in the late 70's, Lorenzo began rescuing stray puppies and other
cute animals. As someone who had been
abandoned himself, Lorenzo recognized both the pain of loneliness as well as the power of hope.
One evening, while nursing a particularly cute Cocker Spaniel
back to health, Lorenzo noticed the
rest of his brood howling in unison. Curious as to their abilities, he spent the next several months developing their
voices and then entered them as a musical act in a local festival under the name
DOG STEVENS. They took first place, and went on to become one of the most successful animal musical acts since
The Beatles. |
|
VMIIUGI
Von Matterhorn Industries International Unlimited Global Inc.
Lorenzo Von Matterhorn, accomplished Jai Alai champion and beloved opera singer, founded VMIIUGI in 1997, with one simple mission statement: to apply the values of synergy
and human capital to business ventures and other fiduciary instruments as guidelines
of the building blocks of corporate foundation as per ventures incorporated and such as.
Now a huge multi-national corporation, VMIIUGI is so big it's like maybe Von Matterhorn is
a bad guy from a James Bond movie, except he's totally
sweet and all of his body parts work normally. (Some of them above average. What up.)
But he's not a bad guy. I mean, he's a little bad, drives a motorcycle,
that kind of thing, but just the right amount of bad where he's not boring and maybe the
right girl could turn him into a real catch. Boyfriend material, if we're being honest.
But she'd have to be something really special. Like 36C at least.
Von Matterhorn is an industry leader in the manufacture of cute shoes, walk-in closets, chocolate, ponies, chocolate ponies, and female orgasms.
Ballooning
While financing a scientific study on cloud-seeding
to alleviate drought in various poor countries, Lorenzo fell in love...
with ballooning.
He has now ballooned across every continent
and hopes to balloon around the world for charity.
Battle with Phallumegaly
At an early age, Lorenzo was diagnosed with phallumegaly,
or bigness of penis disorder. As a result of his illness, Lorenzo's sense of balance frequently shifts,
causing
short-term memory loss. Lorenzo has been known to walk away from situations and not
call again, and shouldn't be held accountable when he does.
Tired of ordering custom underwear and furniture, Lorenzo has pursued
penis reduction surgery a number of times only to be told it's too risky.
|
